Cynicism

And the cynicism returns..

Of life, of love, of everything..

guess its easier not to believe or mock it rather than to believe, feel and burn..

but then thats not cynicism..

thats just stupid..

to be cynical is to actually understand the feeling and hence dispel it and mock it after that..

but i haven't learnt.. i thought i had, but i hadnt..

i still love, i still feel, i still wish to let go completely..

thats who i am..

but cynicism sets in..

its like setting curd, if it remains for too long then it gets sour..

i want to believe that happy endings exist.. and i think i do believe..

but i dont know what happy endings mean to me anymore..

this is not only to do with romance or any one walk of life..

but what do i want my happy ending to be?

where do i want it?

am i alone? is there someone else?

who? why her?

if change is so eminent, then how do i know anything will last..

do i want anything to last?

do i want stability?

What do i want?

These pictures and dreams and hopes you create.. slowly but precisely die..

and from the ashes of the charred remains of these dreams, rises the cold and conceited face of the cynic.

Im getting there, i realised,

Nostalgia puts me off, but romance and children still brings a smile to my face for a while..

but then that passes too..

I guess it not about the burning or the letting go..

not about the loss or the sense of faith,

its about the loss of faith in totality about how you view the world,

and what you think u deserve..

that is if you know what you deserve..

I deserve happiness and i want to give and share that happiness..

but slowly the dreams die and the cynic returns..

until the dream is re-realised..

Old writings - Sunrise

All of this stuff from old writings are things that i had written earlier and forgotten about completely.. Much Nostalgia happened! :) I realised i could be a romance writer, a little.. This is the romantic shiat i used to write.. :)

-------------x---------------

You stand there at the serene white balcony,

in nothing more than the shirt I wore last night,

looking far away into the distance sea,

as the clouds part to reveal the maroon sunrise.

I open my heavy eyes slightly,

to see you standing beautifully in thought,

I wonder what you were thinking,

I hoped it was about us.

You stood there, unassuming,

still partially in wonder,

as i quietly got off our large white bed,

and slowly moved towards you.

I try not to breath heavily,

i try to be quiet,

but eventually it didnt matter,

because i did catch you by surprise.

You gasp a little as I place my hands,

around your waist and over your stomach,

and as i cradle my lips on your shoulder for a moment more,

we watch the sunrise together.

2011 - thoughts..

There is a life and an afterlife,

or so i believe..

Life is where you do what you have to do and go along drudgingly and noone really wonders purpose and all that stuff..

but the afterlife is where the fun begins..

it could be a point of realisation, it could be a thought or simply death.

i believe that an afterlife begins with change..

when you change, an idea changes, or an ideology changes, it creates and afterlife..

hence at any given point of time, there is only debate about what afterlife could be and no one really knows what it is.. but once you reach it.. you know nothing but that.. and the life previous to it is redundant..

hence that afterlife takes the place of life.

So then what really is afterlife, since it changes form as soon as it is achieved..

Utopian concepts and promises of something better and more evolved.. but essentially its just a life after the earlier one and before the next one.

We reach this state of afterlife everyday or every week, but fail to see it.. just take it as part of this thing we call life.. but it is just that.. life and afterlife is the same this.. afterlife just has the advantage of being called better and hence becomes an excuse to do things for.. grass greener and all that junk..

Every new year is the same.. its after the old year and before the next year..

just how we wish to view it, i guess..

2011 - new?

The year doesnt feel that new,

repackaged and revitalised but not new..

The year does feel different but not new,

The year ahead will have possibilities, probabilities and possibly some promises.

But the possibilities which seldom into realities

the probabilities which need more definition,

but the poor promises will mostly likely be broken.

I don't know if this is pessimism or just some wrong conviction on my part,

i know its not disillusioning, because I personally liked 2010,

the ups and downs and the beyond thought,

the malice, the intents and the beliefs,

This year has made me question myself,

look past some of what i thought was my core beliefs,

and finally accept and change myself in many ways.

But most importantly, it made me realise who i was and love that about me.

and thats why i quite like this year..

But the ups have been really up and the downs really down..

a year of extremes, a year of finalities and a year of fun, laughter and heartbreak.

The next year as of now.. doesnt promise anything different..

but yes.. its maybe the year of moderation,

a year where things happen at a pace which is comfortable..

where the mind isnt overthinking..

maybe that's the difference..

Maybe this year promises that same as the last,

but at a pace which is both easy and comfortable.

Since 12 midnight.. everything has been in moderation and comfortable,

maybe thats whats this year holds for me.

The extremist in me, might learn moderation.

might learn how to be easy and comfortable,

instead of this or that..

I look forward to the year,

because it seems to have the possibilities of being a spectacular year, and the chances of it being a reality,

Probabilities of love, stress and distress all of which will have more definition,

and finally a year of promises that are kept

All feels like a year where the world and life is more than just mere reality and drudge,

but holds the towards which this moth is drawn to..