A Con and a Thief

Stagnant fears fill my head,

inadequecy of the self,

questions asked,

the answers elude,

not even at the tip of my tongue..

I am a con,

I am a thief,

of time and will,

of myself and everyone around..

I hope to make right one day,

atleast by the ones I love.

My Experience - Leh

Opaque brown mountains,
Deafening green rivers,
The raging sunlight takes rest,
Nothing but C sharp in my ears.

As the night desends,
and the lights go out,
the dogs with their antlers,
seek solace in the darkness.

A slight breeze,
whistling through the leaves,
disturbs the trees,
as they try to sleep.

But yet the bliss,
is untouched, unhurt,
for the cold wind at night,
beckons the snow at first.

The brown tipped mountains,
softly turn to white,
with only the stars as it's witness,
the cloud covered moon tries to peek.

The night comes to an end,
the horizon lights up,
the river wakes up the town,
as the people fight the light.

With generators abuzz,
and breakfast being made,
the smell of fresh bread and coffee,
overpowers the senses.

A little boy just woken up,
steps out and feels a chill,
looks up expecting brown mountains,
but is thrilled to see them bright.

He runs and yells across the town,
he runs as fast as his little legs can,
the smiles as the towns people talk,
and he runs and jumps..

... to catch the first flake of snow...

Am i sleeping?

I don't know how they do it..
Artists, musicians, writers, the whole lot..

How do they visualize.. or rather how do they translate what they see, hear, feel, imagine into a physical tangible and beautiful work of art?

Its boggling.. i try and try.. but all that i do is step into the universe of the experience and then i can't share it..
Its like going for the most beautiful holiday to an exotic location, but forget your camera, or if you have a camera then your battery is not charged.. and even if all of it is in place, it's raining and you cant take your camera out..

Its frustrating..

even words don't seem to be coming out..
But Im transported more often than before..
Its like my mind wants to get lost..
but doesn't want to share where it's gone..

Dreaming has its perks.. you have an excuse..
but it's almost like all of life is a sequence of dreams..
no memory of the minute that has past..

Well, i suppose that it's because it doesn't know either..
skipping from reality to reality..
trying to make sense of what it's all about..
Where, why, how? crawling through..

Crawling in..
Bathing in doubt,
and no consistency..

how does one learn moderation, if there are only extremes?

And how does one return to our reality, if one doesn't even know awake from sleeping?

Or does one just enjoy the experience and hope never to truly awake?

From the ashes..

One doesn't think, but feels,

One doesn't know, but hopes,

One doesn't stop and does,

One knows the love is near.

One doesn't care and continues,

to a goal that is never revisited,

One doesn't consider consequences,

What is experienced is passion.

When disappointment is a fear,

When the feeling is getting lost,

In a crowd of so many, too many to count,

One knows they are burning to the ground.

From a lifetime of hope,

From the throes of passion,

rising from the ashes of oneself,

A true writer is finally born..

Hope..

There comes a time in everyone's life,

When confusion and deceit of the mind,

Rules over the judgement of the right..

But the time passes and the sun emerges,

from the west this time,

Against the thread of nature..

When this dawn comes,

And the horizon is no longer dark..

The hope that you had lost in warmth,

Comes gushing right back..

The sun envelopes everyone,

All colour, race, gender no bar..

Life regains it's old meaning,

That time is not far..

for once hope is back,

and reason and clarity restored,

everything has a new meaning,

even if it's the old one you had kept in store..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 21

I don't understand it.

I honestly don't understand how people think.

Unilateral, not capable of non linear thought..

Closed and unfathoming of anything beyond what they know or can think.

How can people think unidimensionally, when the very basis on which they survive is multi-dimensional.

People are multi faceted.. and hence thought and understanding should be too.

People are many things at one time.. hence thought would be too..

Focussing is a task which one does after they have explored till the end of the world and beyond and upon reflection of this vast array of knowledge and experience can one focus.

How do people pass judgement or think they have the right to pass it too.

If one THINKS.. how can there be confusion.

How does one tolerate close mindedness.

How does one cope with it.

Maybe i just don't understand it.

Maybe im frustrated by people who claim to think.

How.

How.

How.

And here i write to feel better.. but im not feeling better, because i know that i have to dive back into the water-tight thoughts which people enforce everyday, every hour and every minute.

I want to just meet someone who doesn't pretend and just is.

Maybe im just reacting out of intellectual arrogance. Seated on my pedestal and looking upon the world, frustrated, lack-lustre and disillusioned.

Do i submit and go with it.. or remain and refrain and be frustrated.

Maybe i'm not getting my answer because the question is not clear.

Or maybe just tired of the gross misappropriations of this pretend thought.

Or maybe im just hungry.. and am surrounded by malnutritioned thought, immature patterns and indistinctive voices.

Maybe..

Hole in our Whole...

The self and everything else,

is just a part of a larger whole,

a whole that holds the key to our existence,

and a whole that swallows everything that it can.

but this whole is incomplete,

like the whole has a hole,

and to fill this hole,

the mind, soul and gut finds everything that it can,

and the greed to fill this hole is the path to imminent doom.

gutless, mindless and soulless is where it leaves you,

and the greed and collecting and the shoving continues.

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 20

I'm switching off..

powering down..

Life as i knew it is coming trickling down..

Optimism and hope seems like a dream..

a dream I wake up from..

I wake up into a nightmare..

I am awake.. but it seems unreal..

flowers are still yellow.. and the sky is still blue..

but I look at myself.. and seem to recognise me..

but people around are a blur..

fast in motion and their words are a slur..

I try to listen.. but I cannot hear..

indistinct noises.. far far away from here..

I open my mouth.. and waterfalls crash..

out of my nose, my ears and every crevice I have..

but my mouth is dry and I try to speak..

I stutter and stammer.. and unintelligible words I speak..

My heart beats faster.. I can feel it in my head..

My hands are steady but my fingers are dead..

I panic and run.. far away from here..

It's only a dream.. I comfort myself..

I want out.. I want to wake up..

but I am already awake..

no waterfalls, no blurring people..

all distinct noises.. and intelligible conversation..

I wash my face.. and look into a mirror..

see the face that I know..

everything is normal.. I am still sane..

im powering up.. awakening from this dream..

but im wiser now.. detached..

and it's my cynic's turn to now gleam..

Relationships

I am starting to see.. that relationships aren't about the 2 people in it..

it's sad really.. coz if 2 people are happy.. or can be happy.. there are a hundred things that they would have to face to be there..

and thats when the priorities of people's lives really come to the surface..

do they believe in their happiness.. or do they believe that they are meant to martyr themselves for the sake of others..

i think i have dont the latter for a long time in my life.. and finally i was beginning to be happy..

but i guess.. no actually i know.. that everyone can't be in that space..

thats when cynicism and disillusion sets in.. because you hope that you are important enough to fight for..

but evidently one never is..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 19

I have been wanting to write for a while..

but have found it difficult to find words to what i feel..

I don't really know what i feel i guess,

i want something.. but can't have it..

when i try not to want it, it comes back with a vengence..

when i try to forget, it slaps me in the face,

when i try to ignore.. it nags..

When i try again.. i get shot..

So i don't really know what i feel..

towards life, love, writing, work and everything else that tries to fill the gaps..

So what do i do..

I play my guitar.. find some solace in music..

don't need words, reasons, explanations anything..

just need to let out.. and be...

Cynicism

And the cynicism returns..

Of life, of love, of everything..

guess its easier not to believe or mock it rather than to believe, feel and burn..

but then thats not cynicism..

thats just stupid..

to be cynical is to actually understand the feeling and hence dispel it and mock it after that..

but i haven't learnt.. i thought i had, but i hadnt..

i still love, i still feel, i still wish to let go completely..

thats who i am..

but cynicism sets in..

its like setting curd, if it remains for too long then it gets sour..

i want to believe that happy endings exist.. and i think i do believe..

but i dont know what happy endings mean to me anymore..

this is not only to do with romance or any one walk of life..

but what do i want my happy ending to be?

where do i want it?

am i alone? is there someone else?

who? why her?

if change is so eminent, then how do i know anything will last..

do i want anything to last?

do i want stability?

What do i want?

These pictures and dreams and hopes you create.. slowly but precisely die..

and from the ashes of the charred remains of these dreams, rises the cold and conceited face of the cynic.

Im getting there, i realised,

Nostalgia puts me off, but romance and children still brings a smile to my face for a while..

but then that passes too..

I guess it not about the burning or the letting go..

not about the loss or the sense of faith,

its about the loss of faith in totality about how you view the world,

and what you think u deserve..

that is if you know what you deserve..

I deserve happiness and i want to give and share that happiness..

but slowly the dreams die and the cynic returns..

until the dream is re-realised..

Old writings - Sunrise

All of this stuff from old writings are things that i had written earlier and forgotten about completely.. Much Nostalgia happened! :) I realised i could be a romance writer, a little.. This is the romantic shiat i used to write.. :)

-------------x---------------

You stand there at the serene white balcony,

in nothing more than the shirt I wore last night,

looking far away into the distance sea,

as the clouds part to reveal the maroon sunrise.

I open my heavy eyes slightly,

to see you standing beautifully in thought,

I wonder what you were thinking,

I hoped it was about us.

You stood there, unassuming,

still partially in wonder,

as i quietly got off our large white bed,

and slowly moved towards you.

I try not to breath heavily,

i try to be quiet,

but eventually it didnt matter,

because i did catch you by surprise.

You gasp a little as I place my hands,

around your waist and over your stomach,

and as i cradle my lips on your shoulder for a moment more,

we watch the sunrise together.

2011 - thoughts..

There is a life and an afterlife,

or so i believe..

Life is where you do what you have to do and go along drudgingly and noone really wonders purpose and all that stuff..

but the afterlife is where the fun begins..

it could be a point of realisation, it could be a thought or simply death.

i believe that an afterlife begins with change..

when you change, an idea changes, or an ideology changes, it creates and afterlife..

hence at any given point of time, there is only debate about what afterlife could be and no one really knows what it is.. but once you reach it.. you know nothing but that.. and the life previous to it is redundant..

hence that afterlife takes the place of life.

So then what really is afterlife, since it changes form as soon as it is achieved..

Utopian concepts and promises of something better and more evolved.. but essentially its just a life after the earlier one and before the next one.

We reach this state of afterlife everyday or every week, but fail to see it.. just take it as part of this thing we call life.. but it is just that.. life and afterlife is the same this.. afterlife just has the advantage of being called better and hence becomes an excuse to do things for.. grass greener and all that junk..

Every new year is the same.. its after the old year and before the next year..

just how we wish to view it, i guess..

2011 - new?

The year doesnt feel that new,

repackaged and revitalised but not new..

The year does feel different but not new,

The year ahead will have possibilities, probabilities and possibly some promises.

But the possibilities which seldom into realities

the probabilities which need more definition,

but the poor promises will mostly likely be broken.

I don't know if this is pessimism or just some wrong conviction on my part,

i know its not disillusioning, because I personally liked 2010,

the ups and downs and the beyond thought,

the malice, the intents and the beliefs,

This year has made me question myself,

look past some of what i thought was my core beliefs,

and finally accept and change myself in many ways.

But most importantly, it made me realise who i was and love that about me.

and thats why i quite like this year..

But the ups have been really up and the downs really down..

a year of extremes, a year of finalities and a year of fun, laughter and heartbreak.

The next year as of now.. doesnt promise anything different..

but yes.. its maybe the year of moderation,

a year where things happen at a pace which is comfortable..

where the mind isnt overthinking..

maybe that's the difference..

Maybe this year promises that same as the last,

but at a pace which is both easy and comfortable.

Since 12 midnight.. everything has been in moderation and comfortable,

maybe thats whats this year holds for me.

The extremist in me, might learn moderation.

might learn how to be easy and comfortable,

instead of this or that..

I look forward to the year,

because it seems to have the possibilities of being a spectacular year, and the chances of it being a reality,

Probabilities of love, stress and distress all of which will have more definition,

and finally a year of promises that are kept

All feels like a year where the world and life is more than just mere reality and drudge,

but holds the towards which this moth is drawn to..