Hole in our Whole...

The self and everything else,

is just a part of a larger whole,

a whole that holds the key to our existence,

and a whole that swallows everything that it can.

but this whole is incomplete,

like the whole has a hole,

and to fill this hole,

the mind, soul and gut finds everything that it can,

and the greed to fill this hole is the path to imminent doom.

gutless, mindless and soulless is where it leaves you,

and the greed and collecting and the shoving continues.

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 20

I'm switching off..

powering down..

Life as i knew it is coming trickling down..

Optimism and hope seems like a dream..

a dream I wake up from..

I wake up into a nightmare..

I am awake.. but it seems unreal..

flowers are still yellow.. and the sky is still blue..

but I look at myself.. and seem to recognise me..

but people around are a blur..

fast in motion and their words are a slur..

I try to listen.. but I cannot hear..

indistinct noises.. far far away from here..

I open my mouth.. and waterfalls crash..

out of my nose, my ears and every crevice I have..

but my mouth is dry and I try to speak..

I stutter and stammer.. and unintelligible words I speak..

My heart beats faster.. I can feel it in my head..

My hands are steady but my fingers are dead..

I panic and run.. far away from here..

It's only a dream.. I comfort myself..

I want out.. I want to wake up..

but I am already awake..

no waterfalls, no blurring people..

all distinct noises.. and intelligible conversation..

I wash my face.. and look into a mirror..

see the face that I know..

everything is normal.. I am still sane..

im powering up.. awakening from this dream..

but im wiser now.. detached..

and it's my cynic's turn to now gleam..

Relationships

I am starting to see.. that relationships aren't about the 2 people in it..

it's sad really.. coz if 2 people are happy.. or can be happy.. there are a hundred things that they would have to face to be there..

and thats when the priorities of people's lives really come to the surface..

do they believe in their happiness.. or do they believe that they are meant to martyr themselves for the sake of others..

i think i have dont the latter for a long time in my life.. and finally i was beginning to be happy..

but i guess.. no actually i know.. that everyone can't be in that space..

thats when cynicism and disillusion sets in.. because you hope that you are important enough to fight for..

but evidently one never is..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 19

I have been wanting to write for a while..

but have found it difficult to find words to what i feel..

I don't really know what i feel i guess,

i want something.. but can't have it..

when i try not to want it, it comes back with a vengence..

when i try to forget, it slaps me in the face,

when i try to ignore.. it nags..

When i try again.. i get shot..

So i don't really know what i feel..

towards life, love, writing, work and everything else that tries to fill the gaps..

So what do i do..

I play my guitar.. find some solace in music..

don't need words, reasons, explanations anything..

just need to let out.. and be...

Cynicism

And the cynicism returns..

Of life, of love, of everything..

guess its easier not to believe or mock it rather than to believe, feel and burn..

but then thats not cynicism..

thats just stupid..

to be cynical is to actually understand the feeling and hence dispel it and mock it after that..

but i haven't learnt.. i thought i had, but i hadnt..

i still love, i still feel, i still wish to let go completely..

thats who i am..

but cynicism sets in..

its like setting curd, if it remains for too long then it gets sour..

i want to believe that happy endings exist.. and i think i do believe..

but i dont know what happy endings mean to me anymore..

this is not only to do with romance or any one walk of life..

but what do i want my happy ending to be?

where do i want it?

am i alone? is there someone else?

who? why her?

if change is so eminent, then how do i know anything will last..

do i want anything to last?

do i want stability?

What do i want?

These pictures and dreams and hopes you create.. slowly but precisely die..

and from the ashes of the charred remains of these dreams, rises the cold and conceited face of the cynic.

Im getting there, i realised,

Nostalgia puts me off, but romance and children still brings a smile to my face for a while..

but then that passes too..

I guess it not about the burning or the letting go..

not about the loss or the sense of faith,

its about the loss of faith in totality about how you view the world,

and what you think u deserve..

that is if you know what you deserve..

I deserve happiness and i want to give and share that happiness..

but slowly the dreams die and the cynic returns..

until the dream is re-realised..

Old writings - Sunrise

All of this stuff from old writings are things that i had written earlier and forgotten about completely.. Much Nostalgia happened! :) I realised i could be a romance writer, a little.. This is the romantic shiat i used to write.. :)

-------------x---------------

You stand there at the serene white balcony,

in nothing more than the shirt I wore last night,

looking far away into the distance sea,

as the clouds part to reveal the maroon sunrise.

I open my heavy eyes slightly,

to see you standing beautifully in thought,

I wonder what you were thinking,

I hoped it was about us.

You stood there, unassuming,

still partially in wonder,

as i quietly got off our large white bed,

and slowly moved towards you.

I try not to breath heavily,

i try to be quiet,

but eventually it didnt matter,

because i did catch you by surprise.

You gasp a little as I place my hands,

around your waist and over your stomach,

and as i cradle my lips on your shoulder for a moment more,

we watch the sunrise together.

2011 - thoughts..

There is a life and an afterlife,

or so i believe..

Life is where you do what you have to do and go along drudgingly and noone really wonders purpose and all that stuff..

but the afterlife is where the fun begins..

it could be a point of realisation, it could be a thought or simply death.

i believe that an afterlife begins with change..

when you change, an idea changes, or an ideology changes, it creates and afterlife..

hence at any given point of time, there is only debate about what afterlife could be and no one really knows what it is.. but once you reach it.. you know nothing but that.. and the life previous to it is redundant..

hence that afterlife takes the place of life.

So then what really is afterlife, since it changes form as soon as it is achieved..

Utopian concepts and promises of something better and more evolved.. but essentially its just a life after the earlier one and before the next one.

We reach this state of afterlife everyday or every week, but fail to see it.. just take it as part of this thing we call life.. but it is just that.. life and afterlife is the same this.. afterlife just has the advantage of being called better and hence becomes an excuse to do things for.. grass greener and all that junk..

Every new year is the same.. its after the old year and before the next year..

just how we wish to view it, i guess..