Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 21

I don't understand it.

I honestly don't understand how people think.

Unilateral, not capable of non linear thought..

Closed and unfathoming of anything beyond what they know or can think.

How can people think unidimensionally, when the very basis on which they survive is multi-dimensional.

People are multi faceted.. and hence thought and understanding should be too.

People are many things at one time.. hence thought would be too..

Focussing is a task which one does after they have explored till the end of the world and beyond and upon reflection of this vast array of knowledge and experience can one focus.

How do people pass judgement or think they have the right to pass it too.

If one THINKS.. how can there be confusion.

How does one tolerate close mindedness.

How does one cope with it.

Maybe i just don't understand it.

Maybe im frustrated by people who claim to think.

How.

How.

How.

And here i write to feel better.. but im not feeling better, because i know that i have to dive back into the water-tight thoughts which people enforce everyday, every hour and every minute.

I want to just meet someone who doesn't pretend and just is.

Maybe im just reacting out of intellectual arrogance. Seated on my pedestal and looking upon the world, frustrated, lack-lustre and disillusioned.

Do i submit and go with it.. or remain and refrain and be frustrated.

Maybe i'm not getting my answer because the question is not clear.

Or maybe just tired of the gross misappropriations of this pretend thought.

Or maybe im just hungry.. and am surrounded by malnutritioned thought, immature patterns and indistinctive voices.

Maybe..

Hole in our Whole...

The self and everything else,

is just a part of a larger whole,

a whole that holds the key to our existence,

and a whole that swallows everything that it can.

but this whole is incomplete,

like the whole has a hole,

and to fill this hole,

the mind, soul and gut finds everything that it can,

and the greed to fill this hole is the path to imminent doom.

gutless, mindless and soulless is where it leaves you,

and the greed and collecting and the shoving continues.

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 20

I'm switching off..

powering down..

Life as i knew it is coming trickling down..

Optimism and hope seems like a dream..

a dream I wake up from..

I wake up into a nightmare..

I am awake.. but it seems unreal..

flowers are still yellow.. and the sky is still blue..

but I look at myself.. and seem to recognise me..

but people around are a blur..

fast in motion and their words are a slur..

I try to listen.. but I cannot hear..

indistinct noises.. far far away from here..

I open my mouth.. and waterfalls crash..

out of my nose, my ears and every crevice I have..

but my mouth is dry and I try to speak..

I stutter and stammer.. and unintelligible words I speak..

My heart beats faster.. I can feel it in my head..

My hands are steady but my fingers are dead..

I panic and run.. far away from here..

It's only a dream.. I comfort myself..

I want out.. I want to wake up..

but I am already awake..

no waterfalls, no blurring people..

all distinct noises.. and intelligible conversation..

I wash my face.. and look into a mirror..

see the face that I know..

everything is normal.. I am still sane..

im powering up.. awakening from this dream..

but im wiser now.. detached..

and it's my cynic's turn to now gleam..

Relationships

I am starting to see.. that relationships aren't about the 2 people in it..

it's sad really.. coz if 2 people are happy.. or can be happy.. there are a hundred things that they would have to face to be there..

and thats when the priorities of people's lives really come to the surface..

do they believe in their happiness.. or do they believe that they are meant to martyr themselves for the sake of others..

i think i have dont the latter for a long time in my life.. and finally i was beginning to be happy..

but i guess.. no actually i know.. that everyone can't be in that space..

thats when cynicism and disillusion sets in.. because you hope that you are important enough to fight for..

but evidently one never is..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 19

I have been wanting to write for a while..

but have found it difficult to find words to what i feel..

I don't really know what i feel i guess,

i want something.. but can't have it..

when i try not to want it, it comes back with a vengence..

when i try to forget, it slaps me in the face,

when i try to ignore.. it nags..

When i try again.. i get shot..

So i don't really know what i feel..

towards life, love, writing, work and everything else that tries to fill the gaps..

So what do i do..

I play my guitar.. find some solace in music..

don't need words, reasons, explanations anything..

just need to let out.. and be...

Cynicism

And the cynicism returns..

Of life, of love, of everything..

guess its easier not to believe or mock it rather than to believe, feel and burn..

but then thats not cynicism..

thats just stupid..

to be cynical is to actually understand the feeling and hence dispel it and mock it after that..

but i haven't learnt.. i thought i had, but i hadnt..

i still love, i still feel, i still wish to let go completely..

thats who i am..

but cynicism sets in..

its like setting curd, if it remains for too long then it gets sour..

i want to believe that happy endings exist.. and i think i do believe..

but i dont know what happy endings mean to me anymore..

this is not only to do with romance or any one walk of life..

but what do i want my happy ending to be?

where do i want it?

am i alone? is there someone else?

who? why her?

if change is so eminent, then how do i know anything will last..

do i want anything to last?

do i want stability?

What do i want?

These pictures and dreams and hopes you create.. slowly but precisely die..

and from the ashes of the charred remains of these dreams, rises the cold and conceited face of the cynic.

Im getting there, i realised,

Nostalgia puts me off, but romance and children still brings a smile to my face for a while..

but then that passes too..

I guess it not about the burning or the letting go..

not about the loss or the sense of faith,

its about the loss of faith in totality about how you view the world,

and what you think u deserve..

that is if you know what you deserve..

I deserve happiness and i want to give and share that happiness..

but slowly the dreams die and the cynic returns..

until the dream is re-realised..

Old writings - Sunrise

All of this stuff from old writings are things that i had written earlier and forgotten about completely.. Much Nostalgia happened! :) I realised i could be a romance writer, a little.. This is the romantic shiat i used to write.. :)

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You stand there at the serene white balcony,

in nothing more than the shirt I wore last night,

looking far away into the distance sea,

as the clouds part to reveal the maroon sunrise.

I open my heavy eyes slightly,

to see you standing beautifully in thought,

I wonder what you were thinking,

I hoped it was about us.

You stood there, unassuming,

still partially in wonder,

as i quietly got off our large white bed,

and slowly moved towards you.

I try not to breath heavily,

i try to be quiet,

but eventually it didnt matter,

because i did catch you by surprise.

You gasp a little as I place my hands,

around your waist and over your stomach,

and as i cradle my lips on your shoulder for a moment more,

we watch the sunrise together.