No Regrets..

"Hey.. long time.. havent heard from you since you dumped me.. i know you wont recieve this for a while.. might be on your fucking 3 honeymoon with my lame ass rich "best friend".. but i dont even know why im calling you.. im bloody drunk and do you know the only regret i have.. is letting you go.. one sec.. (aaaahhh).. anyways.. dont kow why im calling you.. this line can be traced.. but fuck it.. and fuck you.. you have no idea what ive been thru in the last 3 years.. i got loads of money.. but on the run.. all alone.. all because of a fucking.."

A lady's voice.. 'Voice mail full. Thank you for.."

"Ah fuck this.."

I fall into bed..

---------------------------------

Loud Music.. who the hell wakes up to Linkin park man..

I take my phone and throw it at the wall..

It stopped.. my head is exploding.. Ahhhh Light!!!

Damn those curtains.. should have closed them last night..

Fuck Fuck Fuck..

My head.. wheres the crocin man..

Shit these paracetamol.. they're gonna kill me one of these days..

Wheres the water..

DAMN WHERES THE FUCKIN WATER!!

Rum.. ah yes.. the cause and solution to this god awful- satan loving headache..

Crocin and Rum not the best of combinations..

Should get me thru the morning..

Im gonna die anyways..

Ahhhh lights.. shouldnt keep these eyes open for so long..

Thats better.. la la la la..

how did i wake up?!.. oh ya.. alarm.. 3rd phone this....... week......

I fall back to sleep.

-----------------------------------

Why I write..

As i sit here and write my heart out.. Im thinking about what im writing. its random rambling..

So if anyone reads this.. they will make no heads or tails..

but thats the point of it all a little

cause if everyone understands what your writing.. its a text book they will say..

interpretation and opinion.. these are what matter here..

and everyone has a different one.. thats the beauty of writers..

they write for themselves and sometimes for others to read.

but most of the times theres no point in what others write.. so why read..

we read because we have a void in us, which makes us seek..

fro some shred of meaning and sense which reading seldom fills..

so i suggest write.. no matter what its worth..

it will make you feel better.. very low cost therapy at the most..

but once you have written and spread your heart and mind bare..

then you will realise the layers that were there..

very few other feelings will compare to this one..

because at the end of it, you will surely sit to write the second..

and a third and a fourth till you cant take it anymore..

you will feel like a writer and think of writing a book or four..

but you illusion yourself.. in this manic moment..

your writing because you feel like it.. not for anyone elses romance..

so tommorrow when you sit to write your novel..

you will feel a major block cause you think of Simon Cowell

and him ripping you apart and you lay your emotions bare..

so you leave the idea.. and let weeds grow there..

one day you find it again.. its been days or months or years..

and you sit to write again.. and you feel relieved..

you let go and write some more and wonder why you stopped to feel..

but then thats the beauty of writers.. they write for themselves to bare..

may not think if others like it.. as long as it make them feel grand..

Truth..

Its time to search for something new..

Something unholy, unabridged and something true,

God and Satan both have messages to give..

both preachy, both iconic, but in the end just a gig

Truth is not something you find everyday..

its preseverance and hard work

its a pain to find in a way..

the officials have their torture..

and religious groups their terror.

psychologists have hypnosis

but we dont have a way..

look out world..

truth gonna slap us in the face..

I know i sound lectureisque

but theres an ounce of truth in what i say..

to find the truth my son,

put a light unto yourself, they say..

but that probe hurts a lot..

especially if put in the back way..

it sounds very funny

and pretentious in a way..

but the day you stop searching for it..

in your life truth finds a way..

Blasphamy 101

A satanists prayer (or watever they call it in hell)

Oh mighty Satan,

we thank you for crime and all the other ill will in the world..

you have brought us immense happiness in all the evil that we do

thank you for the food we eat

thank you for the god-hating-satan-loving songs we sing

thank you for rock music

thank you for prejudice and 'wrong judgement'

thank you for night and the fear of the dark that you have brought upon the world

We understand your messages and will plunder all that we can..

Dear God.. or whoever the hell you are..

There is only one almighty "goooood" and that the dark one!

So spank me 'GOD'

cause I have been a baaad MO-FO!!

Amen!

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 4

Talking, feeling, fighting, letting,

Having, creating, falling, cutting,

knowing, believing, regressing, trying,

destroying, dawning, minding, regretting..

Have the sun in your eye

have the moon pass you by

never know and feel the wind

locked in the ivory tower, as life flits by

jolly and gay..

homosexuality is the way

some escape and rebel

to make their own way

meditation rebellion and past life regression

all just means to an unorganized end

what is this end mean?

how does it set you free?

if you just are to come back

and feel and let be

live and let live

die and let die..

learn and lets learn

cry and let cry

Dont think of today.. todaay is just a dream..

the moment your in is inevitable

so why think you can change..

moments pass by..

turn into minutes and fly

grow to be hours and days..

days lead to years and decades..

the ineveitability grows strong

and your mind seizes to wander on..

till this moment is your last..

and you die with nothing to remember in your past..

but the past is just an illusion..

like the future and life..

never untill you experience it youself..

that this life might be your last..

and just before you die you realise..

that you been told a pack of lies..

and you are who you always were..

just the man you saw in the mirror.

Aimlessly..

I sat and worked aimlessly.. sitting in front of the computer.. letting the screen slowly lull me into a false sense of complacency..

I didnt really want to do what i was doing.. I didnt really feel like getting out of the house and come to office..

But the more terrorizing question is if not here then where?

So maybe i wasn't so aimless after all.. since if it were to be compared then..im far more aimed here.. Or so the false sense of complecency leads me to feel..

Im not happy here but nor am i unhappy.. Im comfortable in the safety of a job.. enveloped with the warmth of 'career' and steady money..

I thing this is the problem of not being ambitious or being decent at watever you do...

I read on a blog of a friend of mine that amibition leads to problems and unhappiness..

but i think a lack of one, leads to inertia.. and once this inertia is well set like ice on the foot.. causing frostbite.. you know the solution.. break it off.. but the sense of the loss of the toe is not emotionally worth the chance of actually making it work..

Its doomed anyway.. and it wont hurt.. but one hopes..

I think thats another problem hope..

Complacency + Lack of Ambition= Inertia.. but Inertia + Hope = ?

I guess its oxymoronish in its nature.. inertia in life is unmotivational anyways and hope to make the life, work or the hope to get out..

Therefore.. Inertia + Hope= Stagnancy.. (This end sucks!!)

Doesnt really make sense on the face of it.. but it does if you think about it..

But as this rambles on... I get messages, calls, emails and more work..

how does the cycle end?

where does it actually start to make sense.. when do the divorce papers actually get signed?

and where does one get the motivation to make the change when internal motivation tells you to sit your ass down and do what you have to...

Theyy say live in the fucking present.. but the fucking present just tells me to work and finish what is given today... and then tommorrow comes.. and the same fucking shit repeats its self..

So dont stay in the godforsaken present.. live in the freaking future..

you know why.. because thats the only way I or you will ever get out of this sad excuse of Stagnancy...

Stagnancy + lack of internal motivation + frustration of inertia = Frustrated complacency.. and of course random articles like these..

But more about that later..