Guilt

Theres a sense..

A sense of guilt..

consuming and time intensive..

its drains you, thats the way its built..

for revenge and for love

for power and for damnation

the sense is simple to administer

everyone has their form of manifestation..

some cry, some are nervous,

some talk around it and some remain quiet..

but most arent good to hide it,

so eventually you stop to fight..

I feel it often..

for no good reasons sometimes,

I feel guilty at a drop of a hat..

I feel like sometimes it controls me out..

I feel like its gets too much..

I feel it get very large..

always it gets beyond me..

becoz at most times, im guilty as charged..

On symphony and esteem

Last night i heard music..

as enchanting as the sea..

the vastness and the subtleties

all merged into a dream..

It felt good at that moment,

The trance was just right,

weightless and relaxed..

For a moment i was without life..

notes moved from one to another,

the clarinets, the bass and the horns,

The violin sounds ached in my heart,

the flute created a world unknown..

Soft and melodious,

The symphony of sounds drifted me off..

Forgetting my insecurities,

Lulled into a false sense of self..

The tempo began to rise,

the drums suddenly thundered above

i awoke from my wonderland,

the the ground under me gave up hope..

I sat and continued to listen..

as the symphony reached its peak..

I was falling and the world crumbling,

as the music, to a grand ending, reached.

I sat there stunned, i sat there passive,

I could do nothing but sit and watch..

watching my thoughts, watching my ground

It had stopped falling through the hatch..

I slowly stand up.. finding my feet..

finding ground for me to stand on..

I was caught unawares getting out of my trance,

but now i find my way back to reality..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 13

Nothing makes sense..

not life, not love, not you..

I feel myself dissappearing..

into a sea of magnitude..

The magnitude is far to great..

the feeling overpowering..

is it a sign im not willing to accept..

is it something im just trying..

I love this feeling..

loss of all that made sense..

i like it that its greater than me..

and im not the center of the lens..

Picture after picture..

role after role..

no definition, no expectations..

a future of which i have no know..

no knowledge, no wisdom..

just feeling the way i do..

i release and let go of my control..

and let it flow from me to you...

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 12

I dont know where my mind is..

I dont know what im thinking..

I dont know what the fuck is happening in my life..

its moving so fast.. the scenery is a blur..

I want to stop and just take in the view..

i want to stand still and observe..

the beauty and the calmness around me..

but it still moves so fast

Jerks send me to hit my head..

pain is invitible in this journey..

shaking and twisting makes it bad..

if only i wasnt moving so fast...

signals mean nothing..

signs cant be seen..

everything is such a blur..

My mind is still trying to stand still..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 11

I sense,

I feel,

I can ignite,

I can free.

Myself

and others,

Disconnected

from thoughts and feels.

Open

Receiving

Giving

Knowing

All symptoms

of me

of unbearable

throwings.

cut off

sensing

different

feelings.

I know

What i want,

But is this what im feeling

Feelingless

weightless

light

and wrong

Open to change

I accept what I am.