No Regrets..

"Hey.. long time.. havent heard from you since you dumped me.. i know you wont recieve this for a while.. might be on your fucking 3 honeymoon with my lame ass rich "best friend".. but i dont even know why im calling you.. im bloody drunk and do you know the only regret i have.. is letting you go.. one sec.. (aaaahhh).. anyways.. dont kow why im calling you.. this line can be traced.. but fuck it.. and fuck you.. you have no idea what ive been thru in the last 3 years.. i got loads of money.. but on the run.. all alone.. all because of a fucking.."

A lady's voice.. 'Voice mail full. Thank you for.."

"Ah fuck this.."

I fall into bed..

---------------------------------

Loud Music.. who the hell wakes up to Linkin park man..

I take my phone and throw it at the wall..

It stopped.. my head is exploding.. Ahhhh Light!!!

Damn those curtains.. should have closed them last night..

Fuck Fuck Fuck..

My head.. wheres the crocin man..

Shit these paracetamol.. they're gonna kill me one of these days..

Wheres the water..

DAMN WHERES THE FUCKIN WATER!!

Rum.. ah yes.. the cause and solution to this god awful- satan loving headache..

Crocin and Rum not the best of combinations..

Should get me thru the morning..

Im gonna die anyways..

Ahhhh lights.. shouldnt keep these eyes open for so long..

Thats better.. la la la la..

how did i wake up?!.. oh ya.. alarm.. 3rd phone this....... week......

I fall back to sleep.

-----------------------------------

Why I write..

As i sit here and write my heart out.. Im thinking about what im writing. its random rambling..

So if anyone reads this.. they will make no heads or tails..

but thats the point of it all a little

cause if everyone understands what your writing.. its a text book they will say..

interpretation and opinion.. these are what matter here..

and everyone has a different one.. thats the beauty of writers..

they write for themselves and sometimes for others to read.

but most of the times theres no point in what others write.. so why read..

we read because we have a void in us, which makes us seek..

fro some shred of meaning and sense which reading seldom fills..

so i suggest write.. no matter what its worth..

it will make you feel better.. very low cost therapy at the most..

but once you have written and spread your heart and mind bare..

then you will realise the layers that were there..

very few other feelings will compare to this one..

because at the end of it, you will surely sit to write the second..

and a third and a fourth till you cant take it anymore..

you will feel like a writer and think of writing a book or four..

but you illusion yourself.. in this manic moment..

your writing because you feel like it.. not for anyone elses romance..

so tommorrow when you sit to write your novel..

you will feel a major block cause you think of Simon Cowell

and him ripping you apart and you lay your emotions bare..

so you leave the idea.. and let weeds grow there..

one day you find it again.. its been days or months or years..

and you sit to write again.. and you feel relieved..

you let go and write some more and wonder why you stopped to feel..

but then thats the beauty of writers.. they write for themselves to bare..

may not think if others like it.. as long as it make them feel grand..

Truth..

Its time to search for something new..

Something unholy, unabridged and something true,

God and Satan both have messages to give..

both preachy, both iconic, but in the end just a gig

Truth is not something you find everyday..

its preseverance and hard work

its a pain to find in a way..

the officials have their torture..

and religious groups their terror.

psychologists have hypnosis

but we dont have a way..

look out world..

truth gonna slap us in the face..

I know i sound lectureisque

but theres an ounce of truth in what i say..

to find the truth my son,

put a light unto yourself, they say..

but that probe hurts a lot..

especially if put in the back way..

it sounds very funny

and pretentious in a way..

but the day you stop searching for it..

in your life truth finds a way..

Blasphamy 101

A satanists prayer (or watever they call it in hell)

Oh mighty Satan,

we thank you for crime and all the other ill will in the world..

you have brought us immense happiness in all the evil that we do

thank you for the food we eat

thank you for the god-hating-satan-loving songs we sing

thank you for rock music

thank you for prejudice and 'wrong judgement'

thank you for night and the fear of the dark that you have brought upon the world

We understand your messages and will plunder all that we can..

Dear God.. or whoever the hell you are..

There is only one almighty "goooood" and that the dark one!

So spank me 'GOD'

cause I have been a baaad MO-FO!!

Amen!

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 4

Talking, feeling, fighting, letting,

Having, creating, falling, cutting,

knowing, believing, regressing, trying,

destroying, dawning, minding, regretting..

Have the sun in your eye

have the moon pass you by

never know and feel the wind

locked in the ivory tower, as life flits by

jolly and gay..

homosexuality is the way

some escape and rebel

to make their own way

meditation rebellion and past life regression

all just means to an unorganized end

what is this end mean?

how does it set you free?

if you just are to come back

and feel and let be

live and let live

die and let die..

learn and lets learn

cry and let cry

Dont think of today.. todaay is just a dream..

the moment your in is inevitable

so why think you can change..

moments pass by..

turn into minutes and fly

grow to be hours and days..

days lead to years and decades..

the ineveitability grows strong

and your mind seizes to wander on..

till this moment is your last..

and you die with nothing to remember in your past..

but the past is just an illusion..

like the future and life..

never untill you experience it youself..

that this life might be your last..

and just before you die you realise..

that you been told a pack of lies..

and you are who you always were..

just the man you saw in the mirror.

Aimlessly..

I sat and worked aimlessly.. sitting in front of the computer.. letting the screen slowly lull me into a false sense of complacency..

I didnt really want to do what i was doing.. I didnt really feel like getting out of the house and come to office..

But the more terrorizing question is if not here then where?

So maybe i wasn't so aimless after all.. since if it were to be compared then..im far more aimed here.. Or so the false sense of complecency leads me to feel..

Im not happy here but nor am i unhappy.. Im comfortable in the safety of a job.. enveloped with the warmth of 'career' and steady money..

I thing this is the problem of not being ambitious or being decent at watever you do...

I read on a blog of a friend of mine that amibition leads to problems and unhappiness..

but i think a lack of one, leads to inertia.. and once this inertia is well set like ice on the foot.. causing frostbite.. you know the solution.. break it off.. but the sense of the loss of the toe is not emotionally worth the chance of actually making it work..

Its doomed anyway.. and it wont hurt.. but one hopes..

I think thats another problem hope..

Complacency + Lack of Ambition= Inertia.. but Inertia + Hope = ?

I guess its oxymoronish in its nature.. inertia in life is unmotivational anyways and hope to make the life, work or the hope to get out..

Therefore.. Inertia + Hope= Stagnancy.. (This end sucks!!)

Doesnt really make sense on the face of it.. but it does if you think about it..

But as this rambles on... I get messages, calls, emails and more work..

how does the cycle end?

where does it actually start to make sense.. when do the divorce papers actually get signed?

and where does one get the motivation to make the change when internal motivation tells you to sit your ass down and do what you have to...

Theyy say live in the fucking present.. but the fucking present just tells me to work and finish what is given today... and then tommorrow comes.. and the same fucking shit repeats its self..

So dont stay in the godforsaken present.. live in the freaking future..

you know why.. because thats the only way I or you will ever get out of this sad excuse of Stagnancy...

Stagnancy + lack of internal motivation + frustration of inertia = Frustrated complacency.. and of course random articles like these..

But more about that later..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 3.4

How else do you tell someone of their loss…

How else do you give bad news…

If not directly and serve it cold..

Why lace it with something thought out…

Not warm… not advice… not a feeling of respect…

Only truth and more salt on a wound about to be made…

No niceties… not sugar.. no antiseptic..

Only crass words, which stab like shards of dust in your eye…

Nails upturned…

bleeding toes remain…

‘pour some iodine’ they say…

the wound will go away…

no matter the pain…

no matter the burning feeling…

it’ll all pass.. it’ll all pass…

and u’ll be the stronger they promise…

Stronger.. really?

Stronger… how?

If strong means a loss of faith..

Then I’m surely stronger now…

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 3.3

Indignation, castration of talent

Unsuspecting little theives…

Of thought, of mind of happiness…

Always contemplating the critisisms of their lives…

And projecting out the atrocities of their kind…

In mindless words… having no meaning and even no sound…

Just spite and emotion and a sense of doubt…

Not only of the world and of human kind…

But of themselves since they have no mind!

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 3.2

How is it that before time..

Before air, before space before earth, before rhymes...

I dont understand how the sun would shine...

and how the wind would move and together chime

How the planets circle round and round..

How the sun manages to pull them out...

Does it reallly matter...

What really does..

we seldom even think about...

The shadows

the pains the horrors..

the sinking feeling at the end of each breath..

How it pains

how it aches

Not knowing how, when why where..

What are they thinking...

what are they feeling

who are they

what do they want

not knowing not feeling

not thinking...

who are these people

just mindless zombies

or just a race of pre pubescence

Not knowing any maturity

never know any old age..

Young and youthful always..

HIgh on acid...

High on hash

Never think about..

always rash

yet good at heart..

or maybe not..

animal instincts

mindless thoughts..

always just feeling..

never rationalizing...

Of mountains and blue skys

of green shores and golden beaches

just knowing them..

the colours of trees and the breeze

and the birds

never knowing..

always rash

never thinking

always brash

dont know what they are saying...

but who care anyways...

what do they/does it matter

they will die one day...

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 3.1

It rains it pours...

Sacramental Whores..

and life goes on..

NOt a thing in sight,

not a horse on its back...

and life goes on...

the full belly and an empty bladder...

muscles paining.. and head splattered...

the running nose and a dribbling mouth...

dry as a bone, dry as a drought...

they reach the sands

the oasis of time..

they move across...

one desert at a time..

all this feeling

the palm trees shades...

never know the mirages

of an evergreen rain...

it rains it pours

On sacramental whores...

and life goes on..

Sense of Sadness

This set of writings are just certain inputs into my percieved book... there is no structure to it as yet but im hoping that as i go along i can find some structure...

-------------------------------------x--------------------------------

Chapter 1

Huffing and puffing and blowing and breathing, he awoke to the dimmly lit confines of his kitchen. It took him a minute to realise where he was.. and how he got there.. but soon it sturck him.

This is where he stayed.

He looked down at his folded t-shirt which he used as his pillow, and it was drenched with a combination of his sweat and spit and evidently he had wet his bed again. He knew he was going to get beaten in the morning by his grandmother...

He could already hear her voice, "Shame on you! All of 7 years and still wetting your bed... When will you learn and grow up! How many times have I told you to go to the loo before you sleep... God save us from this useless child.. hope we dont have to clean up after you till your 20..." and on and on and on... intermingled with some slaps and abuses he didnt understand, but yet used in school...

He rubbed his eyes, wiped his mouth, wrapped up the blanket he used as a bed and stood there wondering what to do. He then tiptoed past the one other room in his small one roomed house and went to the bathroom, locked the door. Hoping that nobody woke up, he starts washing the blanket being as soft and subtle as he can.

He had been having similar dreams of late, ones of pain and sadness and remorse.

Ones that didnt allow him to sleep... and most times he was too scared to wake up...

THese dreams had people... places... histories... and tragedies...

He could remember these dreams clearly.. as if he was awake through them... experiencing them as his own...

All the pain was his... all the people were him...

Today's dream was different...

todays dream was more real...

He suddenly closed his eyes and tried to remember the dream... not wanting to.. but not being able to resist...

He saw a man...

Deeply pained...

Always drunk..

In society maligned...

He fought with his wife...

And threw a vessel at her face..

It missed her by miles...

but thats all she could take...

She walked out the door...

She took away her five year old child...

She was at her neighbours house..

When she heard a loud noise...

They all ran out...

and they all ran in...

There he lay on the ground...

Under the roof he was pinned...

A rope around his neck...

The other end on the beam..

It didnt take his weight...

THis he didnt forsee...

She felt unhappyness...

She felt relief...

She sat down and held her child close...

She felt she was free...

He could somehow feel many different emotions. HE had felt the pain of the man.. he had felt the anger of the woman... he could also feel the confusion of the child...

This was new... he generally could only feel one emotion at a time... He didnt know what was happening to him...

HE slowly opened his eyes.. he felt some wetness on his cheeks... he wiped his face with his arm and gets back to washing his blanket...

Suddenly he hears the building rooster crowing... he looks at the bathroom window and realises that morning is near.. it must have been around 5 am.. he needed to get back to the kitchen before his mother wakes up in 15 minutes... so he quickly wrings the blanket... and wrings it again... once he is convinced of enough dryness... he quickly tiptoes back to the kitchen... lays out his blanket and pretends to be back in bed...

Sure enough his mother wakes up within a few minutes of his little act... he softly smiles to himself, to the thought of him having gotten away with the entire charade... and the fact that his grandmother will not have a chance to beat or scold him since the evidence was washed away...

and within minutes he is back to being fast asleep.. with a big grin on his face...

What he didnt know was that as he closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief, his grandmother went to the loo... slipped on the water and had a gaping open wound on her head..

She couldnt be revived before the ambulance reached...

She was rushed to the hospital... doctors declared that she was in a coma...

She died 2 days later.

--------------------------------------x--------------------------------

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 2

here's a thought... 

well.. you know how they say that you enter the world with nothing and leave without anything..

I don't really agree.. I think u come into life with something.. maybe little.. but something..

and if u play it right.. u can wait for that one right hand to come along.. and bet really big.. maybe everything u  got.. and win... and then quit it.. i think then u leave this world with a hell of a lot more than when u came in..

some call it karma.. some call it luck..

but here's the catch..

how do u recognise that right hand?

and if you have never learnt to play.. then what do you do?

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 1

here's a thought.. 

I dont really claim to be a thinker or a philosopher.. but i guess its something that i would aspire for.. 

Suddenly a sense of calm and quiet came over me.. at first, it made me restless.. not knowing what had happened.. often creates noise in ones mind..

but this was different.. silent restlessness.. I dont think, it was my mind... but my thoughts.. who had been neatly stored away, for later consumption.. It was scary the amount of quiet.. and due to which the world amplified in my head.. everything was loud.. everything deafening... everything penetrating..

Even my conscious blocking of sound was not enough to dull the magnitude of what was occurring.. 

Thus the physical restlessness.. and pain and the throbbing.. 

I covered my ears and sat.. till I could hear no more.. the echoing stopped.. the noise moved on.. to its next unsuspecting victim..

And I remained, still throbbing.. I guess residual resonance.. still soar.. and absolutely still.. let myself get used to the sound of my heart and my breath as the main two sounds in my head.. get used to the dulling noises of my own psyche.. talking to me.. voices in my head.. don't know what the hell was going on.. but it felt good..

better than before.. better than after.. better than ever.. but still confusing... non leading.. non ending.. 

finally it all subsided.. the noises, the voices, the throbbing.. and all that was left was the quiet.. nice cool quiet..

Beginnings

"Hello, I forgive you"

"What???"

"I said, I forgive you.."

"Who? What're you talking about?"

"Just shut up and accept it"

"Why in the fucking name of the Eiffel tower will I accept forgiveness that you are so philanthropically giving?"

"Just accept the forgiveness or i'll hang up"

"I dont know who in heavens name you are and you can screw off"

"Good bye.. just remember that I forg.." (click)

----------

"Hello, I forgive you" 

"It's you again"

"Shit I called you again"

"So what you just call people and forgive them, don't you have a job?"

"This is all part of it.."

"Who the fuck are you? Do I even know you?"

"Yes you did and no not yet"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You'll understand"

"Whatever man.. anyways i guess,right back at ya"

"Thank you, just remember my voice"

"Don't have a choice, won't see you anyways"

"What do you mean?"

"All I have is your voice to remember.. I'm blind, or what they call these days, 'visually impaired'.. so wont be seeing ya anytime soon.."

"Take care"(Click)

--------------------------

"Hello, I forgive you.."

"I forgive you too" 

"....... "

"Weren't expecting me to comply were you"

"not really, I must say I'm quite taken aback"

"You have a very gentle voice"

"Thank you.. Sorry don't have a compliment that won't sound forced"

"Haha, Thats okay.. don't have to say something all the time.. just accept gracefully sometimes"

"I'm really glad I spoke to you.."

"Me too.. hope we never meet.."

"Yep I hope so too, Take care"

"You too" (Click)

-------------------------------

"Hello, I forgive you.."

"Who is this?"

"I'm sorry.. Are you Ms. Downs?"

"Yes I am.. "

"Umm.. ok.. I thought you would be much older"

"How old do you think I am?"

"Around early Thirties and the Ms. Downs i'm looking for is atleast 68 or more.."

"Well you reached the right number.. I'm her daughter.. (she pauses)Do you know my mother?"

"Not really, we haven't met yet.. are you ok?"

"Ya.. but then why were you asking for.. Sorry.. (takes a deep breath, clears her voice)I'm sorry but your about 1 hour late.. she died an hour ago.."

"OH.. I'm really sorry to hear.. I'm sorry for your loss.. and I hope I didn't interrupt anything.."

"no.. It's ok.."

"Were you'll really close?"

"No, not that I thought.. but in her last moments she called for me..(muffled sobs)"

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"I'm sorry..?"

"Would you like to talk about what your feeling?"

"I don't know.. I don't even know who you are.."

"All the better, isn't it.. you can call me Ram.. So tell me Ms. Downs.. what thoughts are flowing through your mind?"

"Call me Pam.."

"Ok Pam.. talk to me.. tell me everything.."

"(through sobs) We had a fight a year ago.. and I hadn't spoken to her since then.. her health had always been bad.. but it started deteriorating really fast.. and it seemed as if she grew 5 or 6 years older in the last one year.. it was all so sudden.. I didn't have time to react.. to say that I was sorry and that I really didn't mean a lot of what I said.. I don't know what to do.. i feel like there is so much left to be said.."

"ok.. can I suggest for you to do something.. are you a spiritual person, Pam?"

"Yes kind of.. haven't thought about it.. why what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to go into your mother's room, and tell everyone to leave the room.."

"Ok.. (she gives instructions for people to leave) .. I'm here.. and have closed and locked the door.."

"Great.. ok now I want you to look at your mother's face and remember her face as it is now.."

"Why.. I don't want to.. I can't.."

"Yes you can if you choose to.."

"(hesitantly) ok.. (Takes a deep breath) .."

"Ok now close your eyes.. and breath normally.. as you breathing concentrate only on your breathing.. and clear your mind of everything else.. still your mind.. breath in... and out... Concentrate only on your breath.. in... and out... now with your eyes think about your mother as you just saw her.. in front of you.. keep breathing normally.. in.. and out.. picture her.. look at her eyes.. her hair.. her body.. her hands.. keep breathing.. in... and out... now try talking to her with your eyes closed and tell her how you feel.."

"(A very distressed voice) Mom, I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to call you all the things that I did.. And I..(breaks into tears).. no no.. you have nothing to be sorry about.. it's all me.. I was just acting juvenile.. and got angry and said whatever came to my mind.. ... ... No you were justified in what you said.. ... ... (change in tone) OK maybe not that.. ok.. I agree.. anyways the larger fault was mine.. So I am sorry.. will you please forgive me.. ... ... Thank you.. (smiles) There is nothing I have to forgive you for.. .. how can I even think of my mother doing anything wrong.. ... ... Mother.. I forgive you.. with all my heart and soul.. I love you.. ... ... Can't you stay for a bit longer.. ... .. Ok... good bye.. bye (a tear rolls down her eye.. and she's still smiling)"

"now on the count of 3 you will start coming back.. you are relaxed.. and you are happy.. 1.. 2.. 3.. Take care Pam" (click)

---------------------------------

"Hello, I forgive you.."

"And what have I done to you now.. you lousy son of a bitch"

"Excuse me.. have we met?"

"Yeah.. your that asshole.. who keeps calling and going door to door to peoples houses and forgiving them right.. no good priests.. I dont believe in your 'cause' and I think your a prick.."

"Ok..that's a pity.. but fair enough.. well good bye then"

"Piss Off"(Click)

-----------------------------------

"Hello"

"Hello?.."

"Please forgive me.."

"Who is this?"

"I'm your past.."

----------------------------------

Here's how it all began..

April 5th, 2009...

Today just didn't feel right.. It was like the day wasn't supposed to exist..

Woke up with an irritating feeling of hopelessness and quiet.. tried to think but just didn't work.. seemed as if the mind had gone so cold that even the choke couldn't revive it..

But then well what had to be done had to be done.. The day must go on... So rolled out of bed and headed for the 2nd day of the past life workshop..

Things just seemed to be going downhill throughout.. the ticket guy took the longest time.. i was getting late... had an early morning irritation session with my landlord..  things just didn't seem to be working.. got onto the train... put on my earphones.. started the music and I kid you not.. i was transformed.. 

Never had I experienced a mood change so fast.. the hopelessness disappeared and I couldn't hear the quiet.. maybe I was just the music.. or maybe.. ... ... It was the music...