Rambles: I love it

I love rambling...

its greatly freeing..

having no plan and letting my fingers do all the work..

not my mind.. its overflowing..

i love it intensely..

and greatly and liberatingly..

i feel free from norms and from seasons..

i feel like im flying over green field..

in a hot air balloon...

im everywhere.. no story..

no timing..

all free verse

Rambles: Frustration

The frustration is getting to me..

im just tired i think..

but then do i think..

im mechanical..

im just a slave fucking machine..

no original thoughts..

no patterns seeming evident to me..

not naturals..

i have to study things.. need to understand..

i dont need to do that..

im not myself anymore..

im someone else..

i see myself in the mirror..

but i dont see myself in my head..

i dont recognise me anymore...

and i dont like me anymore..

I need to get back..

need to justify and lie to myself again..

thats the reason to get back..

I seek me..

i seek me..

i seek me..

im talking greek to me..

I dont understand..

i really dont..

its new.. its exciting..

who the fuck am i kidding..

Its just plain simple fucking and highly frustrating............

Rambles: I want it back..

Clear my head..

thoughts flow freely like a fresh water stream..

i feel tainted and unholy..

like a rodent has died in my little pond, my pool of being.

My pond of healing has deserted me..

my golden light.. my sun.. my life force.. my cleanser

all gone..

all gone..

I want them back..

I want it back..

i want it all back..

i want me back..

i will myself to have it..

my magic is gone..

my powers wane..

my hands stained with the blood of a mosquito..

killed my my attempt to finish waiting..

It didnt need to die.. but it did..

it annoyed me..

i had the power to control its life in my hands..

and i choose to end it..

its mine..

i string on to the littlest thought and power that i have..

noone hears me any more..

im underappreciated by myself and myself only..

belief in myself has withered..

i have blossomed and its a hot summer day..

and my water.. hydration and life is drying..

i feel it leaving me..

like my powers..

like my control..

control of me.. leaving me..

how vulnerable do i feel?

none.. i feel empowered..

i free as if a burden has been lifted..

but im still looking high and low..

coz i want it back..

i want me back..

i want my thoughts back..

i want my guts back..

not selfish anymore..

not jealous anymore..

i just want to feel human again...

Rambles: Truly Happy

Happy happy happy..

feeling.. thinking and knowing only happy..

Surreal and also very crazy..

but the feeling of the happy is overwhelming..

Im getting there.. positivity..

finishing all that i start..

but always knowing that the happy of it...

always new always good...

but the fact is that the happy is a fucking facade...

of fucking lies and of fucking cruelty..

but then the fucking mess thats in my head..

needs to be drowned..

how

when, where...

i dont know what the fuck i think anymore..

all i know is that i want to be happy..

so i tell my self..

7 days a week and 24 hours a day and night

i know the key to it could be only being truly content..

but the contentness is temporary..

i know that the knowledge of this doesn't help me to grow..

doesn't kick the frustration away...

but i just increases... fatigue..

Fatigue.. more craziness..

listless..

but happy...

Fuck i think i just need some sleep...

but ain't gonna happen..

tired.. droopy eyes.. dark circles..

fatigue..

fatigue.. burn out..

killjoy and all its friends..

invading my head and house and life..

social circles pushed away..

fucking fatigue..

I really just need to sleep.. gather and clear my thoughts..

like genocide..

like homicide..

like naziism..

like monarchy..

I just want it to end... i want my life back to normal..

tension.. stress and that annoying fatigue..

i drift into the sense of the music..

i feel happy..

im alone..

im happy..

im free..

im happy..

im alive..

im happy..

im alone...

im happy..

Dreams on fire these thoughts.. like a fierce dance which you don't want to watch because its scary.. but you cant take your eyes of it..

the snake of life is just curling and curling..

like an anaconda.. squeezing the life out of oneself and of ones head..

and squeezing the life..

Headaches.. smoke rings, caffeine..

medication, meditation and your holiness..

Fuck i just need to sleep..

but not until i start what i need to complete...

Rambles: Numb Catatonia

Its driving me crazy.. these thoughts..

i cant feel.. i cant move.. i cant talk..

only feel.. and feel..

I cant touch and i cant sense..

but the sense within myself..

disregards anything else that exists..

and when im in catatonia..

the world around me exists as a superficial barrier to the concious..

I feel like a vegetable..

i feel like a fruit..

i feel sad sometiumes..

i feel like a root..

not in terms of being grounded..

but being covered from all sides

and have worms and insects of my thought

as comany at all time..

I feel a sense of sadness..

i feel a sense of despair..

i wanted to be disconnected..

but to this extent that i dont care..

I think and i thought..

I felt and I felt..

i see and i saw..

and like a pendulum i judge time in counter movement ways.

I dont wake up from this..

i feel as if my mind body is numb..

from pain and from not using..

but what numbs me the most is my thoughts.

Rambles: Approval and Rejection

What feels good is never the right thing to do..

it will be condemned and always be looked down upon..

i seeek approval everywhere i go..

i have to abide ot the societial norms and the rules..

created by old fags and fucked hags..

who really just sat in a room and wrote and wrote...

about their fears and what made them feel empowered

and figured that control over others could get them to get over their fears.

Little did they realise that after that they had to keep amending these..

coz fears grow.. and once one dies or bursts.. then there is a big void..

which gets filled with another fear..

and the rejection of these fears or the approval of these mindless, irrational fears..

makes them crazy and want to regain control,

so they change an change the control they actually seek..

coz they are ever changing and the need for approval of the mass...

they are scared of what people think and feel and worry of themselves..

Apporval and rejection is the fear society created for control..

they didnt know what the fuck to do with their time...

so divide and rule and care to scare..

Coz its just convienient.

Rambles: Bad Mornings

Some mornings i wake up with a sense of restlessness..

i feel as if the world has slipped under my feet..

i dont know where this feeling comes from..

from lack of sleep of from the sense of ssadness..

but im not sad.. im happy happy as can be..

I get out of bed and a reach for my glasses and they werent where i put them..

so the light is on now and hurting my eyes..

i squint and i squable with myself for not sleeping patiently..

i move and snore and grunt to find them and they arent there..

but im not lost.. im very found as found as i can be..

I finally say fuck this and get out of bed..

but my feet just dont find themselves and i fall back into bed..

i rub my eyes and try to get my grounding back..

but im numb and im restless.. i just cant feel..

But i can.. i can feel.. as much as my body can bear.

I finally just lie back down and i try to figure whats wrong..

i lie on my back but im not comfortable...

i lie on my stomach but im not comfortable..

i begin o think its not just me.. im just sleepy..

But im awake.. as awake as my mind can take...

So i give in to all of it..

the body pain and the restlessness and the blanket..

and i turn to my side and i feel my glasses break under me..

and i wonder whether its even worth getting out of bed today..

But im still asleep.. as asleep as i can be..

i havent woken up and all this is just a dream from which i shall awake when the positive is back..

when the positive is back..

when the positive is back..

when the positive is back..

love and all its friends: Love under Obligation

"I love you, you know i do,

for reasons, i have many times told.

"I love you for who you are,

I love you for your mine to hold.

"I love you for your beauty,

inside as well as out.

"I love you for you make me happy,

I cant imagine a life without.

"I love you for your smiling face,

brightens up my day every time.

"I love you because I see who you are,

and for that love I have no doubt."

"I love the way you love me,

and know me inside out.

"So I love you, because you see me and make me love myself,

So I think I owe you the 'I love you' now."

Love and all its friends: Understanding

Love is irrational,

love is incomplete,

love extends from the dizzy head,

all the way to cold feet.

Any symptom can relate to love,

sometimes not understanding how,

any emotion can be explained,

if love is allowed to take a bow.

Theres no understanding it,

or making it into sense,

because the sensation of the is in the experience,

The experience deep within.

Love and all its friends: A Beginning

Some have claimed that love is like a thunderous rain could with a silver lining:

You fear the darkness

are mesmerised by the sparks

get lost in the downpour

despise the gloom

and are overwhelmed by the magnamity of the feeling.

But always know that it has a very happy and beautiful silver lining.

Rambles: no thoughts

Need to over flood my senses,

stop any original thoughts,

Thinking has its ups and downs..

but the smooth flow is almost always disrupted by thoughts..

I think too much at some times..

but at most times i have realised iam blank,

I think in words and metaphors..

never in pictures and voices..

they always word me out..

and weed out the extras..

with the buts and the ands included

and the finallity of the events that constitute to my life.

ramble ramble ramble..

i never thought i would talk this much..

but its the free flow of words rather than thoughts..

so it feels good.

and if your feeling good and expended at the end of your venting..

thats the point and the achievement has been reached and aced.

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 10

There are reasons why i cannot even begin to understand,

Of the world, of life, of space and of time,

The very fact that they operate so mysteriously,

intrigue and scare me at all points of time.

Time is stagnant,

Space os always moving,

Life becomes a subset,

of the world and all its chores.

I live and i learn,

I cease and i destroy,

all things around me,

are just a way for me to enjoy.

Enjoy this time,

this space and this world,

for whatever is happening in this life,

will someday unfold.

Folded and creased,

trying to iron out the wrinkles,

Its impossible to ever know,

what this life has intended.

This life is for living,

this life is for dying,

this life is for learning,

but you dont know what or when that ever will be.

Roles..

Definitions flummox me,

one word meaning one thing,

a single point of understanding,

analysis is beyond hope.

Roles too have a definition,

the illusion of being precise,

How else do you explain multiple roles,

all ambiguious whe thought thrice.

The need to define a role to something,

some person, some place, some time,

the contextual relation beyond you and me

is a role i rather not define.

Why is it important to stick to roles,

security? consistancy? comfort?

for if someone falls out fo this role,

then your relation has a new birth.

the birth of conception and the death of preoccupation,

a light unto yourself and others,

for within the four small wals of the role you've defined,

soemthing is lost and an existing thing is smothered.

This one's about Control..

I need it back, I thought,

I feel vulnerable and weak,

My life is never disorganised,

Its out of my hands, the control i seek.

How should i get it back,

through fear, madness or depravity,

each sounds worse than the other,

but i have reached a state of necessity.

Fear is the easiest,

but is control through fear what i seek,

Madness is random and complex,

depravity's chances seem bleak.

Should i just accept it,

move on like the others,

for so long I have tried my best,

to keep this control tethered.

Necessity turns to want,

want turns to obessession,

i cant sleep any more in peace,

for my mind is occupied by consumption.

Consumptionof the new,

consumption of the old,

the control i want has transfered hands,

So i hope for the best and do what i'm told.

Redeeming Obsession..

I'm getting obsessed,

All the signs are clear,

of addiction and anhilation,

of the mind and the self.

im getting deeper,

lured by my own admittance,

deeper and darker, my desire grows,

my fear feeds it more.

It's getting darker,

the light seems very far,

the tunnel is dark yet comforting,

but the demon is very near.

I'm not getting insecure yet,

but the darkness is growing strong,

the demons in your head, never leave you,

But for some reason i'm feeling good.

I'm never reaching the end,

This time it's real,

i have accepted it and am moving on,

towards you, my redemption.

Absoulutes

Rights and wrongs..

Yeses and noes..

decisions pending..

and thoughts left half way..

The need to be complete..

the need to be competant..

the want ot please

the absolutes of the feat..

Always hoping, never living..

Always granting, never getting,

Always feeling, never telling,

always answering, never asking..

Absolutes create the sense of creation..

from absolution comes the sense of time..

for without seeing the start and the end..

there would be nothing that would be absolutely fine.

but perception leads to reality.

reality to truth..

but the absolute truth doesnt exist..

it flits like sand from the hands of mice.

The Street and Its Kind: Chapter 1: Dark

Its really dark,

Impossible to see..

pitch as the soot in the fireplace,

i put my hands out in front of me.

I feel a cold rod,

it seems to be in my chair..

but then again i didnt know where i was..

I woke up and i was there.

My eyes pained as i strained to try..

to see what in front of me..

but they only pained and it remained dark..

i was frightened and i was hungry.

A man came into the room..

and held me by the hand..

how could he see i thought to myself..

I resisted, but he jerked my hand.

Here he is.. finally awake..

The sleep medicine and pain killers wore off..

I dont think hes in pain..

also i dont think he knows whats wrong.

I put my fingers on my face..

and i shrank back in horror..

I had no eyes.. they seemed sealed shut..

i tried to scream but my voice had no fervor.

He can beg.. put him on the street..

at the signal, with the madam..

Give him the stick he'll need it now..

We dont want him to end up dead.

Now listen up you.. straight and good,

put out your hand just like this..

dont fight it boy.. you dont have a choice.

and act like you have a lisp.

The pain had started, i began to cry..

No tears could roll down my eyes..

Last time it was only my legs..

This time i just wished to die..

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 9

There are emotions that i have that noone knows,

I dont care to show it..

i express it in the little things,

talk, walk, manner and charm.

There are some feelings that i keep hidden,

from prying and unsuspecting eyes..

Who never know whats going on..

but then neither do i.

There are thoughts that i have that are secret..

Even from myself..

So when u see yourself in the mirror,

It disturbs me all too well..

There are some things that are sacred,

Its hidden from me too..

For if i knew what and where it was..

Im afraid, I'd expose it to you.

Obsessions and Conversations: Endings..

My obsession with conversation,

My stagnant dreams of sense,

The hopelessness of the situation,

Made me mad with ill content.

The uselessness of reason,

the inadequacy of rhyme,

My obsession had taken over,

and the conversation was no longer mine.

The conversation was random,

and the obsession, baseless,

Reeking with irrationality,

my effort against it was hopeless.

In the beginning, I had seen,

the light at the tunnel's end,

it grew bigger and brighter and closer to me,

but in actuality, i hadn't moved an inch.

The train had soon hit me,

The train of thought, I thought i had lost,

for in my moment of weakness,

I grappled for hope from the future, that had passed.

Obsessions and Conversations: In Transition..

I saw a star,

bright in the sky,

beautiful and mesmerizing,

in the day and during the night.

I dreamt of the star,

everytime i closed my eyes,

I stared and probed with a telescopic view,

drew parallels of it, to my life.

Wondered what life would be,

If i lived on it for a while,

A world unknown,

Uncharted and ripe.

I lost time, days and months,

Spent every moment in it's shine,

lost sleep, food and some weight,

trying to figure, how to make it mine.

One day i awoke,

tired and distressed,

The obsession was gone,

I was free from it's spell.

I rejoiced and I danced,

but a part of me was sad,

the next moment I looked,

There was another star in my head.

Obsessions and Conversations: Beginning..

Dominating fathers and submissive wives,

Rebellious children to the core,

Need for control and to be controlled,

A world reacting to fear.

Hopes frayed by the stopping of time,

Uncork the champagne this year,

Rings of smoke out of our mouthes,

Illusion of control over fire, my dear.

Random and disconnected thoughts,

Channelling in and out of the mind,

Coffe and nicotine edges you on,

Then you know what your without.

Without a friend, without a God,

without a life, without a mouth,

Only thoughts and addiction and obsession of the new,

but you have yourself to talk to, no doubt.

Untitled..

I am writing, so i must be unhappy,

I do not write out of joy..

Sadness and troubles fuel my thoughts,

Painful memories starts me off.

My endings are seldom happy,

an overemphasis on sin..

Gladly, madly, demented and deviant,

Without sadness, no writing has been.

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 8

"What inspires me?"

"I do.."

"What despises me?"

"I do.."

"What analyzes me?"

"I do.."

"What acquires me?"

"I do.."

"What requires me?"

"I do.."

"What satires me?"

"I do.."

"What drives me?"

"I do.."

"What retires me?"

"Not me.. Thats just you.."

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 7

Fire on the mountain,

Run, Run, Run,

As the volcano erupts

The house catches on fire.

Screams of anger,

Screams of terror,

Explosive sounds everywhere,

The kids hide out of fear.

Lava pouring out, burning all thats sacred,

Pain and devastation all around,

There is no place that is safe for us,

It's merciless once on the ground.

Run in the opposite direction,

It's safe here, I think,

My father screams one more time,

I watch my mother shrink.

But she too screams, in defense of herself,

He raises his hand in anger,

I close my eyes and hope it goes away,

The merciless volcano of anger.

Dreams 3: The Sickle and the Mother in Law

I looked through the window,

Broom in my hand,

Thoughts of sadness, depression and conspiracy,

Run through my mind, like grains of sand.

I close my eyes and hope it goes away,

But suddenly a warm yet refreshing breeze hits me,

I take a deep breath and smell the wheat,

I open my eyes and see the golden fields in front of me.

Across the fields, i see my husband,

Cutting the wheat with a sickle in his hand,

He looks troubled, maybe even worried,

but manages to keep his calm.

His mother is with him,

cutting wheat by his side,

Talking to him in hushed tones,

he nods and nods and looks as if a part of him has died.

I think they are conspiring against me,

My paranoia has gotten worse,

suddenly he turns around and streches his hands,

She looks straight at him, his back is turned to her.

She raises her sickle,

as he puts down his arms,

She chops and slices his hand,

like a piece of butchers ham.

She cuts off one arm and watches him writhe in pain,

Watching him flop and scream in agony,

She takes the sickle and cuts off his other arm,

He falls to the ground, blood spurting all around.

I watch this in horror,

I watch this and scream,

She looks back at me,

raises the sickle, its blade gleamed.

She has a smile on her face,

as she walks back to the house,

I scream for help,

but for miles around there is no house.

As she gets closer,

I begin to feel my heart in my mouth,

I run, run for my life,

and take up my guard.

I run down the staircase,

from the first to the ground floor,

there she is at the doorway,

Sickle in hand, blood trickling to the floor.

She takes a few steps towards me,

I take a few steps back,

She says let me finish what i started,

let me just chop off your head.

Your husband doesn't deserve you,

He deserves to be punished too,

He doesnt deserve to lose his life,

but my dear, you do.

She runs towards me,

she has that wicked smile,

her eyes are big and red and hot,

but her intentions are as cold as ice.

Then she moves closer,

I scream out in fear,

hush my dear it will be over soon,

There will be no pain, do not fear.

Then I wake up.

The Mirror

It amuses me what i see in the mirror,

I see myself everyday,

today is different, today is special,

I can see myself in a different way.

The world is topsy turvy,

My surroundings are a little strange,

I see it as the world around me,

but the outlook has changed.

My mirror reflects me,

but i dont see how or why,

Its the opposite of what i tel myself,

the denial that gets me to sleep at night.

The mirror is telling me about me,

I understand myself a little now,

I proved to myself i can be what i am,

but you cant fool the mirror throughout.

It reflects to you who you really are,

it reflects the truth out loud,

It has no inhibitions to tell,

after all its all you are.

Just a small change in perspective,

and it throws you off balance,

a crack a blemish or just a curve,

and your view of you changes.

The mirror is a great and terrible thing,

You may understand yourself better,

and you may choose to be amused and laugh,

but this time the mirror reflects your horror.

Horror at what you are,

and the anguish at what you have become,

This is not what you want,

But what the mirror reflects will still be.

You stop laughing,

you stare and stare and cry,

The mirror is still a harsh truth,

its the self image of you that must die.

You try and look away..

You try and break it and be free,

but you cant break it or look away,

Because the reflection is after all just me.

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 6.2

I write for i know noone is reading,

I write to free myself,

i write out of lack of companionship,

I write to liberate whats felt.

The staccato of my writing,

is almost always when im down,

but i have been writing off late,

since there is no frown.

I write to express myself,

I write to illuminate,

thoughts i have only thought off,

I write to illustrate.

Illustrate and accentuate,

my thoughts and hopes and what i dreamt,

I dont read what i write,

And I dont write to be read.

I write because im sad,

I write because im trapped,

I never write with a story in my head,

What flows out is never tapped.

The tap constricts what is flowing,

Its a control on my thought,

and control is what I give up,

When i write its from the heart and never from the top.

I write what i feel,

I write because i ramble,

I write to free myself,

I write therefore I am.

Wanderings of a Thoughtless Mind: Chapter 6.1

you do not hear me dying,

a kitchen, bathroom and a bookshelf stands in the way,

and i am irrelevant to the cause,

dying makes me go away.

Incessant thoughts fill my mind,

as the coughing gets worse,

as i feel my death dawn upon me,

i think about my life first.

and as the breaths seep out of me,

the thoughts become clear,

finally i have the clarity,

now the voices i can hear.

Destiny and fate,

both scare and comfort me,

its scary to realise your dying,

but comforting to know this is what is planned for me.

Curing Heart Break

Never mind the smell,

it goes away after a while,

the stitches are fresh,

dont walk yet they could tear.

the dial goes all the way up,

tell me when to stop,

when the pain gets too much,

you will know the memories fading.

Forgetting all the pain

forgetting all the misery,

knowing life will get back to normal,

but the scar will be a reminder.

you wont know for what,

you probably will forget when,

but you be glad you got it,

you will think of it as loss of pain.

heart break has no cure,

only memories that reside,

the deepest part of you will be missing,

but only for a while.

They will be replaced with new memories,

ones that make you happy,

but wen that smile turns upside down,

dont hesitate to come back again.