Rambles: Truly Happy

Happy happy happy..

feeling.. thinking and knowing only happy..

Surreal and also very crazy..

but the feeling of the happy is overwhelming..

Im getting there.. positivity..

finishing all that i start..

but always knowing that the happy of it...

always new always good...

but the fact is that the happy is a fucking facade...

of fucking lies and of fucking cruelty..

but then the fucking mess thats in my head..

needs to be drowned..

how

when, where...

i dont know what the fuck i think anymore..

all i know is that i want to be happy..

so i tell my self..

7 days a week and 24 hours a day and night

i know the key to it could be only being truly content..

but the contentness is temporary..

i know that the knowledge of this doesn't help me to grow..

doesn't kick the frustration away...

but i just increases... fatigue..

Fatigue.. more craziness..

listless..

but happy...

Fuck i think i just need some sleep...

but ain't gonna happen..

tired.. droopy eyes.. dark circles..

fatigue..

fatigue.. burn out..

killjoy and all its friends..

invading my head and house and life..

social circles pushed away..

fucking fatigue..

I really just need to sleep.. gather and clear my thoughts..

like genocide..

like homicide..

like naziism..

like monarchy..

I just want it to end... i want my life back to normal..

tension.. stress and that annoying fatigue..

i drift into the sense of the music..

i feel happy..

im alone..

im happy..

im free..

im happy..

im alive..

im happy..

im alone...

im happy..

Dreams on fire these thoughts.. like a fierce dance which you don't want to watch because its scary.. but you cant take your eyes of it..

the snake of life is just curling and curling..

like an anaconda.. squeezing the life out of oneself and of ones head..

and squeezing the life..

Headaches.. smoke rings, caffeine..

medication, meditation and your holiness..

Fuck i just need to sleep..

but not until i start what i need to complete...