Rambles: I love it

I love rambling...

its greatly freeing..

having no plan and letting my fingers do all the work..

not my mind.. its overflowing..

i love it intensely..

and greatly and liberatingly..

i feel free from norms and from seasons..

i feel like im flying over green field..

in a hot air balloon...

im everywhere.. no story..

no timing..

all free verse

Rambles: Frustration

The frustration is getting to me..

im just tired i think..

but then do i think..

im mechanical..

im just a slave fucking machine..

no original thoughts..

no patterns seeming evident to me..

not naturals..

i have to study things.. need to understand..

i dont need to do that..

im not myself anymore..

im someone else..

i see myself in the mirror..

but i dont see myself in my head..

i dont recognise me anymore...

and i dont like me anymore..

I need to get back..

need to justify and lie to myself again..

thats the reason to get back..

I seek me..

i seek me..

i seek me..

im talking greek to me..

I dont understand..

i really dont..

its new.. its exciting..

who the fuck am i kidding..

Its just plain simple fucking and highly frustrating............

Rambles: I want it back..

Clear my head..

thoughts flow freely like a fresh water stream..

i feel tainted and unholy..

like a rodent has died in my little pond, my pool of being.

My pond of healing has deserted me..

my golden light.. my sun.. my life force.. my cleanser

all gone..

all gone..

I want them back..

I want it back..

i want it all back..

i want me back..

i will myself to have it..

my magic is gone..

my powers wane..

my hands stained with the blood of a mosquito..

killed my my attempt to finish waiting..

It didnt need to die.. but it did..

it annoyed me..

i had the power to control its life in my hands..

and i choose to end it..

its mine..

i string on to the littlest thought and power that i have..

noone hears me any more..

im underappreciated by myself and myself only..

belief in myself has withered..

i have blossomed and its a hot summer day..

and my water.. hydration and life is drying..

i feel it leaving me..

like my powers..

like my control..

control of me.. leaving me..

how vulnerable do i feel?

none.. i feel empowered..

i free as if a burden has been lifted..

but im still looking high and low..

coz i want it back..

i want me back..

i want my thoughts back..

i want my guts back..

not selfish anymore..

not jealous anymore..

i just want to feel human again...

Rambles: Truly Happy

Happy happy happy..

feeling.. thinking and knowing only happy..

Surreal and also very crazy..

but the feeling of the happy is overwhelming..

Im getting there.. positivity..

finishing all that i start..

but always knowing that the happy of it...

always new always good...

but the fact is that the happy is a fucking facade...

of fucking lies and of fucking cruelty..

but then the fucking mess thats in my head..

needs to be drowned..

how

when, where...

i dont know what the fuck i think anymore..

all i know is that i want to be happy..

so i tell my self..

7 days a week and 24 hours a day and night

i know the key to it could be only being truly content..

but the contentness is temporary..

i know that the knowledge of this doesn't help me to grow..

doesn't kick the frustration away...

but i just increases... fatigue..

Fatigue.. more craziness..

listless..

but happy...

Fuck i think i just need some sleep...

but ain't gonna happen..

tired.. droopy eyes.. dark circles..

fatigue..

fatigue.. burn out..

killjoy and all its friends..

invading my head and house and life..

social circles pushed away..

fucking fatigue..

I really just need to sleep.. gather and clear my thoughts..

like genocide..

like homicide..

like naziism..

like monarchy..

I just want it to end... i want my life back to normal..

tension.. stress and that annoying fatigue..

i drift into the sense of the music..

i feel happy..

im alone..

im happy..

im free..

im happy..

im alive..

im happy..

im alone...

im happy..

Dreams on fire these thoughts.. like a fierce dance which you don't want to watch because its scary.. but you cant take your eyes of it..

the snake of life is just curling and curling..

like an anaconda.. squeezing the life out of oneself and of ones head..

and squeezing the life..

Headaches.. smoke rings, caffeine..

medication, meditation and your holiness..

Fuck i just need to sleep..

but not until i start what i need to complete...

Rambles: Numb Catatonia

Its driving me crazy.. these thoughts..

i cant feel.. i cant move.. i cant talk..

only feel.. and feel..

I cant touch and i cant sense..

but the sense within myself..

disregards anything else that exists..

and when im in catatonia..

the world around me exists as a superficial barrier to the concious..

I feel like a vegetable..

i feel like a fruit..

i feel sad sometiumes..

i feel like a root..

not in terms of being grounded..

but being covered from all sides

and have worms and insects of my thought

as comany at all time..

I feel a sense of sadness..

i feel a sense of despair..

i wanted to be disconnected..

but to this extent that i dont care..

I think and i thought..

I felt and I felt..

i see and i saw..

and like a pendulum i judge time in counter movement ways.

I dont wake up from this..

i feel as if my mind body is numb..

from pain and from not using..

but what numbs me the most is my thoughts.

Rambles: Approval and Rejection

What feels good is never the right thing to do..

it will be condemned and always be looked down upon..

i seeek approval everywhere i go..

i have to abide ot the societial norms and the rules..

created by old fags and fucked hags..

who really just sat in a room and wrote and wrote...

about their fears and what made them feel empowered

and figured that control over others could get them to get over their fears.

Little did they realise that after that they had to keep amending these..

coz fears grow.. and once one dies or bursts.. then there is a big void..

which gets filled with another fear..

and the rejection of these fears or the approval of these mindless, irrational fears..

makes them crazy and want to regain control,

so they change an change the control they actually seek..

coz they are ever changing and the need for approval of the mass...

they are scared of what people think and feel and worry of themselves..

Apporval and rejection is the fear society created for control..

they didnt know what the fuck to do with their time...

so divide and rule and care to scare..

Coz its just convienient.

Rambles: Bad Mornings

Some mornings i wake up with a sense of restlessness..

i feel as if the world has slipped under my feet..

i dont know where this feeling comes from..

from lack of sleep of from the sense of ssadness..

but im not sad.. im happy happy as can be..

I get out of bed and a reach for my glasses and they werent where i put them..

so the light is on now and hurting my eyes..

i squint and i squable with myself for not sleeping patiently..

i move and snore and grunt to find them and they arent there..

but im not lost.. im very found as found as i can be..

I finally say fuck this and get out of bed..

but my feet just dont find themselves and i fall back into bed..

i rub my eyes and try to get my grounding back..

but im numb and im restless.. i just cant feel..

But i can.. i can feel.. as much as my body can bear.

I finally just lie back down and i try to figure whats wrong..

i lie on my back but im not comfortable...

i lie on my stomach but im not comfortable..

i begin o think its not just me.. im just sleepy..

But im awake.. as awake as my mind can take...

So i give in to all of it..

the body pain and the restlessness and the blanket..

and i turn to my side and i feel my glasses break under me..

and i wonder whether its even worth getting out of bed today..

But im still asleep.. as asleep as i can be..

i havent woken up and all this is just a dream from which i shall awake when the positive is back..

when the positive is back..

when the positive is back..

when the positive is back..